Principle #1: Expectations

In the past few posts, we discussed some ideas about parenting. How the primary partner in forming a child is G-d, and how that awareness affects deciding to have kids. I discussed how parenting fits in to my life even when I have big plans for myself.

Now I want to move into a slightly different area. Less about motivation and meaning, more about ways of getting it done.

How is it possible to raise kids in today’s world?

Over the next few weeks, with G-d’s help, I will share a few principles that I tell myself that shape the way that I raise my family.

Principle #1: Expectations

The first mistake that many of us make is having unreasonable expectations.

For some reason, we have this idea of “perfection” in our heads, what a “perfect” parent is, how a “perfect” child behaves, and what a “perfect” family looks like.

Maybe it’s from all the social media that we absorb, where each person is framing (only) all the beautiful moments of their life, giving the subconscious impression that the imperfect moments don’t exist.

Maybe it’s from bumping into others in the street, in shul, or wherever it is that they look so polished and “put-together.” Never mind that we have no idea what goes on back in their own private zones, where they are regular people just like us.

Or maybe it’s just an idealistic vision in our heads, that with all that’s been accomplished in modern times, with the perfection technology has brought us in so many areas – well, shouldn’t we start being more perfect too?

But people aren’t perfect. They aren’t meant to be, and so they never will. A person is created to be imperfect, to work with imperfect others and imperfect situations and still accomplish amazing things.

Children, being new, untrained little humans, are even more imperfect than adults. And so naturally, family life is a life full of imperfection.

Embracing Reality

Unrealistic expectations bring on feelings of disappointment and guilt, which can be a heavy load to carry. Removing these feelings is an important first step in successfully raising a family.

Kids are naturally curious, happy, energetic and delightful people; they are also messy and noisy, and yes, at times they will fight.

And parents will be normal people who sometimes do things right, and other times mess up. We have good days and bad days. And that is all okay. Because our kids are meant to be raised by humans, not by angels.

One simply cannot raise a family with expectations of perfection.

A happy family is one who accepts its imperfections and learns to embrace them.

A happy mom is one who does not strive to be Supermom but a super normal mom, not because she is not super but because an actual Supermom does not – and should not – exist.

A super normal mom does not always have a clean or organized house. Her kids may not always have the purest, most natural and healthy food and snacks. Maybe she doesn’t always make it out to her social obligations, or get herself perfectly dressed every time she does go out. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it just doesn’t.

A super normal mom simply does her best to care for her kids. Some days she’s a warm, loving and patient presence, and some days … she’s not. Sometimes she manages her tasks and duties gracefully, and sometimes she asks for help. She’s doing her best, and as a normal human being, it’s an imperfect best.

But a super normal mom knows that no matter what, her kids will know that she is doing it for them. She’s just a super normal mom of a super normal, wonderfully imperfect family.

Just as G-d expects when he blesses us with children.

Perfectly normal.

לע”נ הנע’ חיה מוסיא ע”ה בת יבל”א הרב ר’ משה הלוי שיחי
This project is sponsored in part by קרן חמל the CML Foundation
לזכות הנועם אלימלך מליז’נסק איש אלקים הרב ר’ אלימלך בה”ר אלעזר ליפמן