Having a child is a huge responsibility.
It is not like any other relationship, where, should things go wrong, one can usually walk away. Once a child is born, there is no going back. The choice that we made to have them is a permanent one, with lifelong consequences.
It is up to us, the parents, to raise it through its childhood to be a healthy, happy, and upright person, and for some of us, this can be a terrifying prospect. How can one assume such a responsibility?
Perhaps that’s one reason for the low birthrate today. This fear of bringing a child to the world and failing to raise it properly – whatever that means to each person – is very real and true.
Understanding the Fear
I think there are three general reasons for this fear.
- We don’t all know how to parent, or have the resources we feel a good parent should have.
- Even when we know what we should do, since we are imperfect people, we don’t always live up to it. We make big mistakes – and our children may pay for it.
- Perhaps this is the biggest issue – there are SO MANY outside factors that can potentially have a major effect on our child’s life, which we cannot control. To mention a few: our child’s natural disposition, positive or negative inclination; how other people might interact with our child, whether in school, at the park, or later at work; our child’s appearance, beyond their clothing and hairstyle; different factors contributing to our financial situation and its effect on our child; our child’s health – and our own for that matter; and the possibility of accidents, natural disasters, or even war, G-d forbid, that might affect us and our family.
So how is it that people do, after all, have children? And how is it that G-d asks us to do so if we can mess up so badly in the process? Who wants to give birth to a child that will suffer through life, or otherwise, possibly cause others to suffer?
Digging Deeper
As always, the answer to a question often lies in a deeper understanding of the question itself.
So I wondered, what kind of a fear is this?
It’s not like a fear of heights, of water, of spiders or amphibians. It’s not an irrational fear. It’s actually quite logical. It’s a fear based on data and actual risk. Having children is a very risky endeavor.
You know what it is like?
Fear of driving.
I would know; I’ve been fighting that fear inside me since the day I stepped into the driver’s seat.
Cars are extremely powerful machines. We all have friends and acquaintances who have been hurt, or worse, in car accidents. And we all know that someone’s driving skill is no guarantee for their safety.
Just like with raising children, there is just so much we cannot control.
Backing out of the driveway, I’m fearful that there is someone or something on the floor behind me that I cannot see, even if I checked before I got in the car. Driving past a stop sign into a busy street – what if there’s a fast-moving car that I didn’t notice? Traveling on the highway, I ponder the possibility that I lose control for a second while cruising at sixty miles per hour. Or what if one of the drivers in a car nearby decides to respond to a text message, causing him to veer out of his lane?
These are real scenarios that happen every day all over the world.
So how is it that so many people still drive?
Overcoming the Fear
For many, I believe, it’s a simple answer: Life must go on. We simply rely on cars too much; the benefits far outweigh the risks. Or maybe they truly think it won’t happen to them.
For me, that’s not a good answer. Good enough, perhaps, for me to get into a car as a passenger, albeit with a racing heart in the back-middle (safest) seat – like I did for some time as a child. But I would never, ever drive. Because as bad as it is to be in a car accident, it is 100 times worse to be the cause of it. And I cannot take that responsibility upon myself, with passengers in the car and so many factors out of my control.
So how is it that I drive?
I drive because I have learned to let go.
I took driving lessons, practiced my skills, and followed the rules of the road. And beyond that, I tell myself, it’s simply not in my hands.
It’s in G-d’s hands.
Trusting
I think for a few minutes about what it means to be in G-d’s hands. About how I wake up refreshed every day, with a perfectly functioning body. A body that heals itself when cut or bruised, that is so precisely coordinated without a single conscious thought, proof of the constant involvement of a brilliant and loving Creator.
I think about the beauty in each leaf in my yard and cloud in the sky, and how someone must have really cared to design all that simply for our pleasure. It is a busy, constantly moving world – but nothing like the noisy, ugly grey factories of human invention. It is so functional, but so beautiful still.
And I think about all the things that brought me my family, my job, and my community, things that I could not have coordinated on my own, that were clearly arranged with my best interest in mind.
And I tell myself that He obviously knows what He is doing, that He is good and wants good for me too.
So while I certainly must do my part and drive responsibly, everything else that I cannot control, I must leave to him.
And it really works. Most people I know have no idea that I battle this fear. It hasn’t left me; I still shudder whenever I pass a truck on the highway. But I draw on my resources of faith and trust in G-d, and it gives me the confidence to go on, and keep doing my best – and to trust him to do his part.
Understanding the Responsibility
So it is with raising children. As we spoke before, there are not just two partners, but three. Sure, we must learn all that we can about parenting and ask for advice when we don’t know what to do. Sure, we must do our best to fulfill those things we know we should do. But when we fail, as imperfect beings will, we must trust that G-d has our back. He watches and guards us and our children, and no matter what choices we make, we can never wreck his plan.
As for those things that we cannot control– think of how much he does on a regular basis with such precision. We can trust that he knows what he’s doing, that he has our best interest in mind, and he will guide us in the direction that our soul, and our child’s soul, truly needs.
The act of marriage is our license to bring children to the world. You’re qualified to drive; now try your best, keep learning, and remember that you have a loving support system with capabilities far greater than your own.
very nice!