Principle #3: Be Positive

I started an Instagram account recently.

It wasn’t for publicity, though I won’t complain if it helps with that too.

I did it because going on this journey, I realized another vital principle in successfully raising a large, busy, and happy family.

It’s called Positivity.

The Challenge of Parenting

We all know that parenting is hard work. It stretches you financially, tests you spiritually, and challenges you physically, emotionally, and psychologically to your absolute limits.

Many will say it’s the hardest job that exists, and perhaps they are right.

But hard doesn’t mean bad.

We know that working out and pushing yourself physically makes you stronger and healthier.

The truth is that emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually, it’s the same. It is the challenges that make you truly grow as a person.

Raising children is hard because it is an exercise in growth. Kids test your patience, your faith, and your persistence. Caring for them 24 hours a day is a challenge to your true resolve, a test to your character and integrity even when you’re not at your best.

Ultimately, we are all here to grow to our greatest potential. Man was born to toil. This is our job and duty, and the reason we were placed on this earth.

But we struggle with this.

In today’s world of comfort and ease, we look for quick fixes, for the easy way to feeling good.

Even as popular as physical fitness is today, most of us don’t exercise nearly as much as we know we should. I certainly don’t. Much as I believe in its benefits, it’s just not that simple to make it happen. And if it isn’t simple, well, why bother when I am happy enough without it?

So, when we are faced with this immense challenge of raising a child, and more so multiple children, we are unprepared.

The Fix

Well, I’ve discovered a secret.

Or maybe it isn’t a secret – maybe it’s obvious.

The fact is, for good or for bad, we just want to feel good.

And difficult tasks don’t make us feel good. At least, we think they don’t.

But the truth is that when we are active, when we push ourselves and exercise, we are the ones who gain. We become healthier and feel better, because our body is doing what it was built for. Our blood flows better, our muscles are stronger, and our heart and brain function better.

The bottom line is, it’s all about attitude.

When you go to the gym, for a swim, or a run around the block, you rarely regret it. You chose to do it, and while you may be sore at the end of it, you tell yourself how good it was for you.

Tens of thousands will hike up mountains for days – certainly not an easy task – but somehow enjoy not just the view from the peak, but the uphill journey too.

Parenting is a difficult journey, maybe not too different from mountain climbing: uphill travel, plentiful obstacles, no smooth and clear path. But it also elevates you to a whole new level, fills you with a tremendous feeling of accomplishment, and treats you to incredible views along the way.

If you focus on the difficulty, surely you won’t make it to the top.

But if you keep focused on your goal, your mission, and the benefits to be gained along the way, you can enjoy it all the way through.

Making it Practical

You CAN actually feel good while working hard at raising a family. What it takes is a conscious choice to focus on the good and the happy, even as we deal with the inevitable unpleasant parts that are bound to crop up.

Together with that choice, training yourself with more positive habits can go a very long way. For instance:

• Be positive to your kids – and about them.

  1. Make a conscious effort to acknowledge when your kids are doing well, even when they are behaving as they should and nothing more. Compliments work wonders and encourage more positive behavior, not to mention helping you notice it more too.
  2. Talk about their strengths and their good side, both to their face and when they are not around. Avoid negative labels or terms as much as you can. If you think your child is a wonderful person, let them hear and feel it. Occasionally, we need to discuss a child’s faults to work out a way to guide them. Most of the time, however, we can talk about their strengths and focus on their accomplishments, their growth, and the things we love about them. At the end of the day, the way that you speak of your children is how you will look at them – and how they will see themselves.
  3. This is one of my favorite techniques because of how effective it is (and I can probably write an entire article about it): When giving an instruction, use positive, active words rather than negative, reactive ones. “Do” instead of “Don’t”. Say, “Please use your fork,” rather than, “Don’t eat with your fingers.” It means the same thing, but in the first case, the child is being directed, while in the second they are being criticized. And criticism does not add to a positive environment.
     It takes time to get used to this practice, and sometimes it takes creativity, but it is so worth your while.

• Be positive about your spouse, and don’t take them for granted.

For some reason, we find it easier to be happy around people we don’t see so often. At home, we fall into our default, instinctive behaviors, which may not always be so positive. And maybe it’s just me, but I find this happens more strongly around adults than around kids. I’m somehow more conscious of the effect of my words and deeds around children, probably because I can feel how sensitive they are to everything I say or do.

Our spouse, on the other hand, is an adult after all. We don’t see him as someone who needs to be coddled, nurtured, and educated, and so we spare ourselves the extra effort.

But this is a mistake. Being positive around others bounces right back to you, and to everyone else that’s around. Sure, we can have our tough days and hours and complain when we need to, as long as we remember to be friendly, compassionate, and to judge each other favorably whenever we can.

They are our partners in climbing the mountain. They need our love, encouragement, and positive words as much as we need theirs.

• Be positive about yourself.

Do I need to say more?

Remember that no one is perfect. You have strengths and weaknesses just like we all do, except that focusing on your strengths makes you stronger while focusing on your faults makes you weak. Be strong for your family. No matter what you will ever say or do, you are the most important and beloved person in their lives.

So I started an Instagram account (@thegiftofchildren) as a place to share positive thoughts – mainly so I would have to come up with them. Because as much as I love my family and believe in what I am doing, I need to consciously express it to feel it. For me, expression is writing, and one-liners are my favorite. For you, it might be something else. But do it consciously, purposefully, and watch how it changes your experience of life and your family.