Postpartum Reflections

If you aren’t following me on social media, you may not have heard – Baruch Hashem we had a beautiful baby boy on 12 Av, about two months ago. Thankfully we are both doing well, and I hope to be posting here more frequently now that I’m back to myself! xx Chaya

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I wrote this about six weeks ago on my phone, two weeks after birth. I didn’t post it then because I wanted to edit it, and I thought I’d want to change it up once I saw it on the computer. But I read it again today, and decided to leave it (for the most part) just as I wrote it then. I hope you will appreciate it.

Feeling the Blues

Today is one of those days.

It’s a Sunday afternoon and I’m stuck at home, lying in bed with my not-yet two-week-old baby. I’m listening from upstairs as my husband negotiates with the four older kids, ages one through five, getting them dressed, ready and in the car for a family trip.

It’s hard to watch him struggle when I can’t do much to help. I want to get up and assist him, but after a mostly-sleepless night and a week of pushing myself just a bit too far, my body is strong in its resistance. I have no choice but to rest, and let my body heal like it needs to.

I don’t like being stuck at home.

I don’t like the feeling of my body pulling itself back together after the ordeal of birth.

I don’t like having to rely on others, nor to burden them with the care of my older children.

I wish I could go spend an afternoon at the beach or in the park somewhere. I’m craving the outdoors, and the physical activity that I find so invigorating.

I’m feeling limited and stuck.

It’s hard.

And there’s a baby sleeping on my chest. Yes, on me, because right now I can’t settle him anywhere else.

It’s his fault that I’m feeling how I do right now.

And it will be his fault many times over that I’ll be unable to do something or go somewhere that I might want to.

It will be his fault, and the fault of his brothers and sisters, that I can’t vacation when I want. That I can’t go for a walk around the block without arranging a babysitter. That I can’t just go out with friends, goodness, even talk to my friends more than like once a year.

I can go on and on – there’s endless opportunity when you don’t have kids, or so it seems, anyway. And oh, so little when you have five.

Reality

But I have five kids.

What now?

Have I subjected myself to a limited life full of ‘can’t’s until my kids grow up and move out? Am I bound to feel this way for the next two-odd decades, deprived and desperate for freedom?

But I don’t want to go this way. I remind myself that this feeling is temporary. Postpartum recovery is hard. It’s true that it’s how I feel now but I also know it doesn’t reflect how my life really is.

I know why I’m doing this. Far from depriving myself, I’m actively accepting a valuable opportunity that few are so lucky to have.

I imagine I was still single, or even just married for that matter, but without kids. And I was “free” to do whatever I want. And let’s say I did. Imagine I had the budget, and allowable time off work, and I traveled, I learned a new skill, exercised and took care of myself. I spent time with friends. At the end of it all, what would I have? A richer, more experienced, more interesting life? Certainly. A camera roll full of beautiful, meaningful memories? Perhaps. A deeper and greater understanding of the world and the people who inhabit it? Valuable things, indeed.

But I chose a different way.

I chose to marry the person I met who spoke to my heart, and to build a family together.

I chose to follow the ways of my parents and grandparents, and to put raising a family before my personal ambitions.

I chose to accept the blessings that G-d would bestow upon me with graciousness, rather than calculate with my small mind whether I could handle another child in my life.

The Future

What do I now have? And what will I have in ten years?

I have a tribe of my own.

I have brought the world a group of people and nurtured them so that, with G-d’s help, they will grow to be mentschen, kind, productive, and G-d fearing people.

I can sit back any day and know that the world is a brighter place because of the people I have brought to it.

Each year of freedom that I give up now will yield decades of results in the form of my children’s lives – and eventually, of their children too.

As for myself, while I may not have the experiences, pleasures, or even the skills that I might had I been “free”, I have my people.

I have five incredible souls living in my own house who love me more than any other person in the world. Five people to whom my every word holds weight, and who would do anything to see me smile. Five children whose lives revolve around each other, who teach each other so much and revel in each other’s company.

I am the richest person alive with riches that will only keep growing.

No, I am not free to do as I wish. I cannot think only of myself because I matter too much to the world. I am not punished but privileged. And I am only as limited as a person who is building his empire.

I must not allow the world of momentary pleasure cloud my vision. What I have now may not always be pretty, but it is precious. My house may not be insta-worthy, but it is warm.

And my heart may not be filled with instant pleasures, but it is full of true and eternal love.