When It Comes Down to Trust

It’s been a little while since my last post.

The main reason for that is the obvious: time.

My job has been extra intense recently, and life with five kids is busier than with four. Bedtime now takes longer, depriving me of that precious post-bedtime quiet time I used to depend on.

I also haven’t been able to jot down my thoughts while passively watching the kids. The truth is, I don’t passively watch them much anymore, and I’m kind of proud of that. When I am around my kids, I am with them; they are my highest priority. And they know it, so they come to sit on my lap, ask my opinion on their drawings, or collect a kiss for their latest boo-boo.

This has been one of the amazing effects of the blog and the journey that fueled it. So much of the world sees children as a task to be dealt with, as smaller people that demand so much but are actually less important than our careers, or the adult people in our world. But refocusing myself on the truth, that my children are of far greater value than anyone else in my life, allowed me to take pleasure and feel the joy in the time that I spend with them.

Not to say my life is all pleasurable moments. The kids sure get to me sometimes. But even while that’s happening, I know that these are only side effects and small price to pay for the beautiful task I’ve been given, the incredible children I’ve been gifted to care for.

But deep down I know that’s not the whole truth behind my absence. There are always pockets of time that I could use if I really wanted. I realized there were other things stopping me from writing.

Inner Peace

A couple of years ago when I began this project, I was really struggling. I had questions, challenges, difficulties that made me search within and without for an answer. It pushed me to find the time to sit down, study and write, even with four tiny children in my care.

But the nature of life is that when the challenges are gone, we no longer feel the urge to keep pushing. And as much as my mind tells me the importance of this initiative, as much as others tell me they want to hear more – and I know I’m far from done – my heart is at ease, because while it may not be clear and articulated, I feel that I have found the answers I need.

But I can’t let that stop me. Because we should not need challenges and darkness to reveal our light. I should know better. G-d does not need to make my life difficult for me to do what I know to be my mission. I must continue to talk, to study and analyze and bring to light whatever I can to inspire myself more, and to reach out and strengthen whichever other Jewish women I can.

It’s the second reason that was the real hold up.

My Kind of Writer’s Block

I’ve always believed in writing what I know. Not what I think, assume, or believe, but about experiences and ideas that I’ve actually lived through myself.

I’ve never liked preaching. I don’t like to tell people ideas I’ve heard from other places and can’t attest to in my own way. It’s a strange form of writer’s block that I have which really limits my writing. But it also keeps it unique and genuine so I’m generally okay with it.

I was comfortable with everything I wrote until now. I know what it’s like to grow up in a big family and I know what it’s like to raise five little ones just over a year apart. So I could write about that.

But I also know what I don’t know.

I don’t know what will be in the future.

I don’t know how things will turn out.

I don’t know how I will manage when faced with many of the more complex challenges that come along with raising an older family. I can’t speak about the emotional side of it, not even the physical, and certainly not the financial.

So, I felt a bit stuck.

Because a lot of what the Rebbe teaches us, and the bulk of the remaining topics I’d outlined for my blog – is about having faith and trust that G-d will provide for the future. And I thought, once I’ve experienced that I can share it because I’m sure G-d will take care of us. But until then … What could I write that wouldn’t be preaching what I don’t know?

Well, a little while ago, I got a phone call from someone I didn’t know. She wanted me to talk at an event.

I’d done it before, at an event for mothers with young children. But now, she wanted me to talk about bitachon. About trust in G-d.

What? Why me? “I’m not a big speaker,” I told her. “I just have a blog and I spoke about it once. Why are you asking me to do this?”

We spoke some more and I thought about it. The 20-minute speech that I gave last year took me over 13 hours to prepare. I knew if I accepted it would take a lot of work.

But then I realized something else.

I was at a serious block with my writing. And here was G-d tapping on my shoulder and pointing me to the answer. He wanted me to continue but he understood my dilemma. And so, he was showing me that not only did I have it in me, but it was even clear to this woman whom I had never met.

Discovering My Mistake

I wrote the speech.

It took me on a serious journey of discovery. I had to understand where my faith came from, and what bitachon truly means. It took me back to when I was a little child as I realized that the seeds were sown back then.

And after I realized that I had been very mistaken.

There is no need for faith and trust after the fact. Once everything has worked out, as they say, hindsight is 20/20.

I needed to talk about faith and trust while in the trenches. When I didn’t know what would be and could easily worry and stress about it all. When all calculations and forecasts of our family’s situation didn’t necessarily show us how we would manage, but I still allowed space for G-d to do his work and lead us the way that He wanted.  

I will need to explore this more in writing in the following blog posts, but for now I’d like to welcome you to listen to my talk on YouTube if you haven’t yet. And if you don’t have 35 minutes of dishes to wash while listening (yes, it ended up that long), don’t worry, I’ll be summing it up in a future post so you can benefit too.

P.S. I’m getting over my fear of publicity… You can also hear my talk from last year, which is more specifically about this blog and raising children, over here, which is only in audio format.

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

xx
Chaya