Choosing the Road Less Taken

By now you have hopefully read the Story Behind Our Big Move, the background behind the new chapter on chinuch I’m about to begin. If not, go ahead and read it, as it may give you some important context.

A discerning (or curious) reader will notice that the article did not specify what path of chinuch we actually took. At the time, I worried that it would distract from the main lesson I was attempting to share, and so I left it open instead. 

I am fully aware that the path we chose is not a very popular one – not in the world in general, and especially not in the frum world. But after a few months of considering our options, researching, and thinking about our family’s unique circumstances, we decided to homeschool. We did so despite being fully aware of how homeschooling is seen by the majority: an unusual choice at best; more often, downright strange. Even among shluchim, where it is definitely done, the vast majority of those who homeschool do so out of lack of choice, and most take advantage of the online school for their children, which seems only reasonable. Almost all of them see it as only a second-best option, and would gladly send their kids to an appropriate school given the option.

But we did choose to homeschool our children, and for a number of reasons. Living in Ellenville, our other options were a very long daily commute to a chassidishe school, or a shorter one to a day school whose teachers and student body did not fully represent our values. To us, homeschool was a far better option. But it wasn’t only that we saw it as the lesser of evils. We believed that in some ways, despite it being an unusual risk, educating our children ourselves was an opportunity for us to create something better for our children and our family, something that even the best institution could not possibly deliver. (And that’s not to say these institutions are not incredible and vital institutions that hold up the community in the most literal sense; all of this is only in the context of our own family’s path considering our unique situation.)

I believe a lot of our perspective came from our very unique circumstances, especially for shluchim: we had already sent our children to school for a number of years, and we knew what that life was like – both the advantages and the very real disadvantages. And then 2020 came, and covid lockdowns had given us a glimpse of what another life could look like, breaking many of the beliefs we’d had about staying home with our kids, and more. We then spent significant time researching the world of homeschool and the myriad forms it could take, and decided to take the plunge.

So we decided to homeschool. Not online, not with tutors. For the past almost three years, my husband and I are the legal and practical teachers of our children, year-round. 

Now, I know that sounds super radical. I know you have a million questions, and your first thought is, “oh, I could never do that.” Because that’s what everyone says, and that’s what I used to think too. 

So before I get into the discussions I want to have on education itself, I will begin with a short list of FAQs I’m sure you’re wondering about, so we can get those out of the way. 

FAQs: 

Q: How do you handle being with your kids all day? 

A: This is a great question. To start, I won’t say it’s not a struggle. But there’s a few things that make it possible:

• First off, we don’t live in the city anymore. We don’t live in a tiny house with no storage space, tiny bedrooms, and no dedicated play area. We have a big house with enough bedrooms for all of us plus guests, decent living space, a large backyard, and fairly good weather for the majority of the year. It’s a completely different environment to the city, and a whole lot more conducive for living with a large family of children. 
• I will concede that it’s still a lot to be responsible for the kids 24 hours a day – and that’s why I take shifts with my husband. Each of us has “off-duty” time every day when the other takes over. 
• Another big factor is that we are out of the school system, no longer constrained by the 9-5 school and work schedule and calendar. I don’t think we realized until we left how much stress and pressure that adds to the life of every family member within it. Our life is a lot calmer, and the children therefore better behaved than they had been in the few hours they were usually home from school. There is a regular rhythm and structure to our day, uniquely designed to work for us and our family’s needs and style. 
• I’ve worked a lot on my mindset, as I expressed in my book The Gift of Children which many of you may have read. I’ve learned to be present with my children more, to connect with their souls and essence in a way that allows me to appreciate and really take joy in their presence as much as possible. In fact, for the most part I have found teaching them to be an honor and a joy, possibly because they are exceptionally smart and adorable (no, not biased at all!) and I am so glad that I, and not some random teacher, am able to witness, guide, and support their growth.

Q: How do you manage to teach all the different levels? 

A: Also a great point. Let me put it this way: in a typical classroom with 20 children in it, how many of them are on the exact same level? The truth is, very few. To be a good teacher, one has to learn to cater to a few different levels simultaneously. And while a classroom teacher may have as many as 20 different styles and levels, we only have 2 or 3 at a time. I’d say in this area, we have the advantage. 

Q: What about a social life? Don’t your kids need friends? Aren’t they lonely at home all the time? 

A: In this way, I have to admit our situation is rather unique, even among homeschooling families (of which we’ve heard from many since our move). A few points:

• We are blessed with 8 children under the age of 12. Most are less than 1.5 years apart. My two daughters are close enough in age to do a lot together, and the others are all boys. In other words, they are never without a playmate. So to answer the last question first, no, they are almost never lonely. 
• In another unique blessing, there is a family of shluchim not too far away with girls just the age of ours who have become fast friends. They have Shabbos sleepovers and weekday playdates as often as we can work it out, and they video call each other in between.
• Beyond that, we often invite sleepover guests for Shabbos – family and friends who can use a break from the city. And while they enjoy the fresh air and space, we benefit from the quality time spent together – something I’d say we get more of here than we’d get in the city, where everyone is so busy with life that they hardly have five minutes to chat at the bus stop. 
• There are also a number of frum families with summer homes here who come up for Shabbosim with whom my children enjoy hanging out at shul and on Shabbos afternoon. 
• In short, BH my kids have a very rich social life. When they get old enough, they also join Kinus, sleepaway camp, Chidon, and let’s not forget Shabbos Tzuzamen, a highlight of the year when they get together with other shluchim kids within drivable distance for a fun-filled Shabbaton.

I believe these three questions cover the core issues that come up immediately. Of course, there are many more details to share, and I welcome your questions if there’s something specific you’d like to hear about. 

Otherwise, we’ll dive right into the next step of our journey: Where do you begin when you decide to educate your child yourself?